Walking In The Dark

There are a lot of old things in my room. Things I’m working on getting rid of.

I put them in boxes and push them over to the other side. Organised chaos is my constant companion, so this is nothing new.

I’m packing up clothes when I hear a small voice.

“Hey, Griffin.”

I turn to see young Will, peering around the doorway.

“Hey bro, what’s up?”

“Uh…” Normally, Will bounds into my room with all the energy a ten-year-old younger brother can muster. He’s not doing that right now, and that is what gets my attention.

“Hey, you alright?”

I can tell he’s looking for the right words but doesn’t know them. He struggles, like I did. I take a seat on my bed, and pat beside me. He takes the hint, and sits down.

He takes a moment, then asks “Why do you have to go?”

I knew I’d have to have this conversation sooner or later. Thankfully because of that, I know what to say.

“Because I’m older now, and I’m done with school, so…I’m off to uni. But it’s far away, so I have to move out there. It would take all night to get back and forth between here and there – so by the time I got here, it would be time to go back!”

That makes me laugh, but not him.

“Do you have to?” He sighs.

“Yeah – but hey, it’s exciting, you know?”

“Uh-huh.”

I put on my most comforting smile. “Come here.” I say as I pull him into a sideways hug. We sit like this for a few moments.

“You have to come back – promise me.” I laugh, and tell him “It’s uni, not prison, bro.” I ruffle his hair.

“You gotta look after the house now – Mum, Dad, the cat, the dog, everyone. It’s on all you, man!”

This finally makes him laugh – but only a small, half-hearted thing. I know he’s still upset.

I get off the bed, and crouch in front of him.

“It’s gonna be okay, Will. This is a big deal, for me and you. It’s okay to be scared – I’m scared. Mum and Dad still get scared. But I made you a promise to come back, so I want you to promise me something – promise me that you’ll never let the fear control you. Because if I know anything about this, it’s that it’s always up to you. I’ll be home for the holidays, and I’ll stay in touch with Mum and Dad. Besides, fear’s kinda funny when you think about it. Just think – heart of a dragon, bro.”

He gives me a look.

My eyes are drawn to my window. All I can see from there is the forest behind, colouring in between all the houses and streets. Most people don’t give it much notice. Just somewhere to walk the dogs or go for a run. They don’t know it like I do.

Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.

I wonder…

No, maybe not.

Unless…

No, not right now.

I ruffle his hair again. “Come on, help me get these boxes downstairs.”

“Really?”

“If you do, I’ll let you have all my old comics.”

That works.

I’m looking back to the forest again. I’m loading boxes into my car, but part of my mind is walking those same steps I always did.

Mum’s voice cuts through my trance. “Is that the last one?”

I pull my gaze off the forest and onto the car boot. “Uh, yeah, last one.” Will sighs with relief at that.

I keep looking at all the bags and boxes packed in there. It’s really happening.

It’s really happening.

It’s really happening.

My feet start to shift my weight back and forth. My fingers in my pockets drum up an entire rock concert. My heartbeat decides to get in on the fun. My eyes refuse to focus on anything.

I thought I’d dealt with this.

I reach for the opened boot for support, attempting to recall the strategies I had. My first instinct is to look to the forest. The trees, again.

It’s been a while.

As my eyes dart around, they land on Mum giving Will a hug.

I wonder…

“Hey, uh…I’m gonna go for a walk in the forest for like, an hour, um…Will, you wanna come?”

Mum gently lets go of Will. “That’s a great idea – you boys go clear your heads.” Will walks over to me, and I can see his eyes are red.

“Come on, I wanna show you something.” His eyes light up.

The forest looms ahead, towering and inviting.

Leaves crunch beneath our shoes, as sunlight leaks through the trees while birds sing. Sounds and sights tattooed on my memories. I used to come here a lot. It was a place I knew, a state of place and mind. But I wasn’t always happy to be here.

I take in the sights of the forest for a moment – it’s soothing. Then I see it.

“Okay, uh, Will, I need to trust me on something.” I kneel in front of him. “You’re gonna see something kinda weird, but I know what it is, and it won’t hurt you.”

“Uh…what?” Fair enough.

“Just…trust me.”

I lead him around a tree. Ahead of us is a shimmering, shifting ring of light – the portal. What looks like another forest sits on the other side. It’s stuck between two trees – and it’s big enough for the both of us to step through.

Will instinctively backs away at first, mostly out of pure bewilderment.

“Okay Will – you need to trust me…we’re gonna go through, and you’ll be fine-”

“Go through?!”

“It’s just the forest again on the other side, but a little different. There’s something there that can help you-”

“Help me? How do you know?!”

“Because it helped me!”

I’ve come this far, might as well.

“This is how I figured out my fear, Will. And I know it’ll help you do the same.”

Will looks at me, then to the portal, then to me again.

Someway somehow, that was good enough – because he goes for my hand, and we start to walk forwards. I can feel him squeezing my hand, but I’d been there so I don’t complain. We step through the portal, and we’re on the other side.

And…I’m here.

It looks like the other forest at first glance, but the more I look the more I recognise how it all seems to glow, that tiny little bit. It decorates my vision. Now that my heart’s stopped racing, I can hear the birds and the running water. I would say it’s magical, but…

Will is still gripping my hand. “Come on, this way.” We walk until we find the oasis. Seeing it again makes me smile the most in a long time. The small waterfall’s still there, into the pond, and the little rock face going up to the ledge, then the small cave further up. Boulders and trees are dotted around the outside, like guards protecting us.

He’ll be around here somewhere.

I sit by the pond, and Will follows me down.

“Let me tell you a story.”

The new house scared me. Because it wasn’t our old one.

Mum and Dad were downstairs unloading boxes. I was upstairs in what would become my room – and it was too big. Too cold, too cavernous without all my stuff in it.

I had two windows – one to the neighbourhood, and the other to the forest behind. Further down the street, kids my age were playing. Kicking a ball around, and having fun.

What if they didn’t like me?

I didn’t have fun like other kids because of this.

Beyond the street, the neighbourhood went on and on – all of it was new, and I didn’t know any of it. I looked away, and to the forest – it seemed like it went on forever, with darkness filling in between the trees.

What if there was something out there?

I looked away, back to my empty room. I found myself looking back at the forest soon enough.

It was so still. Too still. Still enough to wonder what was out there.

But then…a flicker?

Some sort of light kept appearing, only for a second at a time. Like striking stones to make small sparks.

Some kind of monster? No, it’s just some sort of light, I think?

Was there something behind it? Wait, could it see me?

I ducked below the windowsill. But the sparks had already lit something inside.

I told Mum and Dad I was going exploring, and they let me go. Off I went, into the trees.

I regretted it immediately. I knew I was scared of monsters in the dark, of things in the unknown – and yet here I was, still putting one foot in front of the other. It didn’t make sense.

What if there was something in the bushes?

Behind that tree?

Behind me?

I looked over my shoulder – there was nothing behind me. I could see our new house though – I could see Mum and Dad unpacking.

I should be back there – I want to be back there.

I looked back to the forest – and there was the flicker again. And I kept walking.

The trees reached all the way to the sky – I’d never felt so small. The flicker kept my eyes down on my level.

After a while, it stopped between two trees, and began to shine brighter and brighter as it grew into a large ring. I could make out what looked like a forest on the other side.

What if I couldn’t get back?

What if there was something on the other side?

With shaking hands, I reached out – to be sure it was actually real, and it was. Against all better judgement, I didn’t step backwards – only forwards. Something about it felt…warm.

It was different on the other side, but it took me a moment to notice. The forest looked the same, but it was almost…glowing? The sun beamed more over here, illuminating the place.

I stopped by a pond, flowing from a small waterfall. Further up was a small rock face, ledge, and a cave. There were boulders and trees all around, like an army at the ready.

What is this place?

What’s over here?

Can I get back?

Is this real?

Just when I started to feel alright again…feet, fingers, heartbeat, eyes, the whole thing.

“Who goes there?”

Who said that?

Look over there – no one.

Over there – no one there.

Over here – no one.

That left behind me.

I really didn’t want to look behind me.

“You seem troubled.”

That voice, again. It was deep, but not gravelly. Soothing, and almost melodic. The kind of voice that would sing you a lullaby.

I turned, ever so slowly.

No one at the oasis. But I could’ve sworn…

Then came the first foot. Out of the cave, a scaly paw the size of my chest, adorned with talons. Then came another, over the ledge. They moved gently.

I saw the eyes first. Vibrant, glowing, blue, right into my soul. With them came the head – whiskers, scales, and small horns as a crown decorated a long scout.

It was unmistakeable.

It finished climbing over the ledge, down the rock face, and down to me. Its eyes stayed on me. I didn’t dare move. Was I scared, or in full-on shock?

It walked towards me, then stopped a short distance away. It sat like a cat – paws crossed in front, tucked in at the back. Its tailed folded into its side. I noticed it didn’t have wings. It was a beast looming over me regardless.

It kept looking at me. Then he spoke.

“I promise I’m not here to hurt you.”

I couldn’t speak.

“I understand I am…somewhat intimidating, but I am here to help.” The fear was slowly being replaced by confusion. It took more and more of a hold, until-

“…What?” I blurted, unceremoniously. “Oh good, you can speak.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you mind if come a little closer?”

“Uh, sure…” He stood up, slowly walked over – his paws not making a sound – and sat down closer to me.

“Why don’t you sit too?”

I didn’t realise how rigid I’d gone – as I exhaled, I loosened up enough to sit down. I had so many questions. “How can you talk?”

“I am not like the animals in your world. This is a different place. I am a spirit, and I guide those in need.” I was still confused. “…Am I in need?”

“I sensed fear in your heart. So, I am here to help.” He elaborated, likely off the look on my face.  “Why are you scared, friend – may I ask your name?”

“…Griffin.”

“Griffin, my name is Phobos.” That voice, like honey over bass strings. I couldn’t help but begin to feel at ease.

“Are there other spirits, like you?”

“There are many, and we all have different purposes. My task is to help those in need when they are scared.”

He lowered his head down to my level. He was a big guy, and I was small – even for a seven-year-old – so it was a bit of a long way. But he did it anyway. “What is troubling you?”

It was those eyes – those deep blues that shone with kindness, right through me. “I…it’s…” Phobos got up, and sat behind me. He curled himself inwards, like an armchair giving me a hug.

“I…it’s this new house, and this new place, and there’s kids down the street that might not like me, and I don’t know anyone here, and it’s all…” A silent tear broke free, and led the way for others. Phobos curled in closer – his scales were warm, but not too hot. We sat like this for a little while. Then he shifted himself to face me. “Change is always scary. But it’s always going to happen. What matters is what you do. Remember this – heart of a dragon. Face it.”

I dried my eyes, and looked at him.

“You’re young, but you’ll understand one day. No matter what, it’s always up to you. You can accept it, or you can fight it. One of these is right – but I’ll leave it up to you to figure that out.”

He was right – I’d understand some day, but not right now. But I thought I would eventually.

“What else is troubling you?” He asked, eager but sensitive.

I thought for a moment – that was a long list. “I don’t like walking in the dark. I mean, what if there’s monsters out there? It always scares me.”

Phobos smiled, a gentle look. “Everyone’s afraid of the dark, Griffin. Do you have family?”

“Yeah, my parents.”

“They’re scared of the dark.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. It’s only human to be afraid of the unknown.”

I thought about this – it made sense.

He continued “These monsters in the dark are just as shy and nervous as you are. They want to be your friend – but they’re scared too.”

They were scared too? “Really?”

“Of course. I’m a monster in the dark, after all.”

“…Will you be my friend?”

He smiled again. “Of course, Griffin.”

I leaned back into him, and he hugged me again.

The warmth of it all made me feel relaxed, and I yawned. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

I peeled myself away from the warmth, and wandered back over to the portal. It didn’t look strange now.

But right as I was about to step through, I stopped to look at Phobos beside me.

“Can I come back?”

“Absolutely. I’ll always be here – follow the path into the woods.” I felt a lot better knowing that.

I smiled, and stepped back through.

The sun was setting – it’d only been an hour, but it was low enough to cast shadows in the bushes and among the trees.

But they didn’t scare me now.

Then came a rustling, somewhere in the bushes. It made me stop, and freeze – but then…

Heart of a dragon.

I took a deep breath, and…

“It’s okay…I’m scared too. Do you want to be my friend?”

Not a sound in response.

Then, another rustling – closer.

And out came a cat, small and sniffing everything.

A friend indeed.

My uniform lay discarded on the floor, as I rummaged through my wardrobe for safety. Something familiar. Something that knew me.

I haven’t felt like this in a long time.

This is getting serious.

It was all going out the window – wait…that’s exactly where I should go.

Forest. Now.

Out the back I ran, all the way to the forest. I didn’t register all the bushes I hit along the way.

Where is it…

Come on, come on…

I found it last time, what the hell’s going?

Shit, where is it?

In my panic, I managed to trip over the portal and find myself on the ground. At least I was on the other side now.

I lay there for a moment, not moving. Simply breathing, probably too fast.

I hauled myself up and went off to the oasis. Off my arse, and back down again as I found it. My usual spot, by the pond.

Phobos was there in an instant, descending from the cave – I could’ve sworn he was even bigger than last time. So were my tears, descending down my face. We sat there for a while, who knew how long. He let me cry as much as I needed to. Waterfalls everywhere.

Eventually, he unfurled himself and came down to my level. “What is it?”

Where to begin…

If I could find the stamina to keep my tears at bay for long enough, I’d tell him.

I took a deep breath – almost comical – and began. “I started this new school, and it’s…I don’t know anyone. I don’t know who anyone is or recognise anyone, none of my old friends are there, they’re all looking at me and…”

Back to tears. Back to stamina.

“I mean, I remember what you said about change, and I tried to remember heart of a dragon, but…this is different, and I keep trying to talk to people, but what if they think I’m weird or that I’m not cool or…whatever!”

Phobos let me cool down before he spoke. “This was always going to be the hardest part. But…you made it through the first day. You have to take these small victories whenever you can. Otherwise, you’ll never win.”

“But, but I…I didn’t meet anyone.” He wasn’t making any sense.

“Did you talk to anyone?”

“Well, I, uh…but only for introductions in classes and stuff.”

“So we take that as a win.”

That still didn’t make sense. “I don’t get it.”

Phobos smiled to himself. “I believe in you, Griffin.” Then he sat up, and peered down at me. “But that won’t mean anything until you believe in yourself. “But this is something you have to fight on your own.”

What? I thought he was supposed to be my spirit guide? That didn’t sound like guidance.

Let me guess – I’ll understand when I’m older. He rested a paw on my shoulder. “It’s always up to you. The heart of a dragon is your heart.”

I nodded, as silent tears rolled along.

Phobos got a look in his eye, then he said something really, really weird.

“Isn’t fear funny?”

That stopped the tears, because…what? I’ve heard him say a lot of things over the past four years – but even that’s a little out there. He smiled at my evident reaction.

“Think about it. Our minds lose their minds, and we do our best to avoid the worry, but in the end there was nothing to be afraid of anyway. Our imaginations run wild, and it’s all a bit nuts.”

This took a few moments to sink in. Then a laugh escaped me. Then another, and another. Soon enough, laughter was cascading from the both of us.

I was sure I had nothing to worry about. He’d be here for me. I was sure.

It was quiet. Too quiet? I tried not to think like that.

I listened to what was around for me for a moment. My cat purring away by my feet, cars going by further down the street, the creak of the floorboards as my family wandered about the house, the dog’s collar jangling as he scratched his ear – I was here, and here I was. And I was happy like this.

“Honey?” Mum’s voice cut through my reverie, and I turned to see her poking her head through the door. “How’s the application going?”

I was happy because I wasn’t doing that. “Uh, yeah, just…thinking over it a lot, you know, because – important, and…all that.”

“Okay – talk to us if you want any help, honey.”

“Yeah, thanks.” She left, and I heard the floorboards creak – but a lot quieter this time. I looked back down at my laptop – the page open, and…blank.

Yeah, definitely too quiet.

Before I could think, I was interrupted by my phone vibrating rudely. Ugh, what now…

It was the boys – asking if I was up for end-of-exams drinks, partying, and god knows what else when the time came in a few weeks.

A few weeks.

End of exam season, which meant only a few weeks left of school. Then…adult life. It’s funny – it felt like I was just starting to get used to it all, given everything Phobos had told me.

A few weeks.

Were my fingers starting to drum up or was that just me?

Going off my heartbeat, it wasn’t just me.

I couldn’t see – no, I couldn’t focus.

Ah…fuck.

Mamma mia, here we go again.

Did the heart of a dragon have an expiry date?

I looked around, and my eyes focused finally – on the forest.

But…did I need him this time?

I mean, I was over this, right? I could deal with it. Heart of a dragon was my heart, right?

Maybe I’ll go clear my head anyway. It’d be better than staring at a blank page. Too many possibilities on a blank page.

I found myself outside soon enough. I ignored all the bushes I walked through. I was ignoring a lot of things at that time.

I found the portal soon enough, because I knew the path well enough. Same shit, different day.

Same old glow – I guess it was still nice.

I took a deep breath – but why did I still not feel okay? Breathing usually worked, and I was on the other side…

“Phobos?”

No response. That was odd.

Down to the oasis. “Phobos?” I sat in my usual spot, by the pond. I felt better now – why couldn’t I hold onto that?

I was too old for this.

The sound of talons against rock – I looked up to see Phobos on his way down to me. He was much, much bigger this time. I always wondered what that was about…

“I, uh, came for, uh – peace and quiet, you know?”

“What’s troubling you now?”

“Nothing!”

“Then why are you here, Griffin?”

I’m sorry, what? “I don’t know, I guess I wanted some air.”

“Then why am I still here?” Back to not making sense.

“I thought you lived here?”

Phobos sat himself down, the ground shaking as he did. “My task was to guide those in need, when they are scared. We’re both still here. My size is based on your fear. And I’ve grown today.”

Dammit.

I thought I was over this.

I wanted to be over this.

The heart of a dragon was beating too damn loud.

Phobos knew me too well by now. He could read everything within me.

“Okay, think – what have we gone over before?” Back to that gentle tone.

“I know what I’m doing!”

“Do you now?” Not gentle.

I hated to say it now. Because I’d been going so strong.

“I need…you.”

Phobos’ head, once at my height, now looked down at me.

“Well, it seems like you’re an adult now, you know what you’re doing, I don’t think you need me anymore. Heart of a dragon – whose heart? I believe in you – what about you?”

“I believe…”

I didn’t. “I believe I’m too damn old for this.”

“Too old for what?” He shot back.

“To feel like this! We covered it! We went over it! We figured it out!”

“You have to let yourself feel these things, Griffin.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s means I’m asking you to let yourself be scared! Let yourself feel these things, and recognise them! When you came to me you were a child, and you were scared. I told you everyone got scared. Here you are now – and I know you are scared.”

He let that sink in for a few seconds.

“But I can’t help you unless you help yourself. I don’t like saying that. But I can only do so much for a mind that isn’t mine.”

Help myself, he said. Why did I bother talking to him then?

Help myself.

I hated it because he was probably right.

Help myself.

I crashed right by the pond. I needed to feel grounded for a second.

“What if I get too old for this?”

“You’ll know where to find me. And you’ll remember.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised that I began to cry. Phobos didn’t do his usual curled embrace – he gave me space. For the moment, all I wanted to do was cry.

I sat by myself, tears still breaking free. “Up to me?”

“Up to you.”

Up to me.

Up to me.

Like always.

My heart.

Peace. In days past I’d say how much I missed it, but the truth is it was my constant companion.

Will keeps looking at me. I mean, am I insane?

“Trust me, little bro. I learnt so much from him.”

He still gazes at me, blank.

I smile to myself, and let the memories wash over me like the waterfall behind.

“Is that my old friend?”

I look up, and there he is, out of the cave and down to us. The last time I saw him, he was a great beast of myth. Now, he’s…a house pet? He’s the size of our dog.

Big enough for Will to be scared though.

“Hey, Phobos.”

“How long has it been?”

I didn’t like to think about last time. “A few months.”

“Hmm. And how are you feeling?”

I knew we’d have to talk about this eventually. It was his whole purpose, after all.

“Well, um…I think I’m actually doing pretty good? It’s been, uh…good, yeah. I had a moment, that’s all. But I’m…going away soon, and it’s…you know, uh…”

He smiles, finally. “How you’ve grown. You’re the friend of every monster in the dark now.” That makes me laugh, thinking back to all those years ago. But along with the laughter comes a tear, escaping alongside. I wipe it away, but…

Phobos lays a paw on my shoulder, and I lean into it. “Oh, god…” We stay like this for a moment. He moves to stare deep into my eyes, with those endless blues.

“I will always be with you, because I know you’ll always be okay.”

More tears, for old time’s sake I guess.

“You have the heart of a dragon, so you don’t need me to show the way anymore.”

I let the last of my fleeting childhood leave through my eyes. He pulls me in for a hug – dragon hugs are always the best.

“Up to me.”

“Up to you.”

I rest my head against his, for a little longer.

“I have another calling now. But I’ll always remember you.”

I bring my head away. “Actually, uh…I think I might know who your calling is.” Phobos tilts his head – finally, I confused him instead of the other way around.

“Will!”

Will pokes his head out from behind a boulder – I hadn’t noticed he’d run off.

“Come here, it’s okay.” He was scared – perhaps he saw Phobos as the massive beast I once did. He didn’t dare move.

Phobos looks at Will, and asks him “Why are you frightened, Will?”

Will stays by the boulder. “Because you’re scary.”

“I promise I am only here to help.”

I get up, and walk to Will. I offer him my hand. I give my best Phobos smile – gentle and comforting.

He looks to me, back to Phobos, then to me. He takes my hand, and I guide him back over. Phobos lowers himself to Will’s level, so as not to tower over him. Like I once was, he’s a small guy.

“Hello, Will. My name is Phobos. I guide those in need, when they are frightened. So tell me, what troubles you?”

That voice, like silky thunder. Its puts us at ease, always. Will begins to speak, and Phobos listens.

When it’s time to go, it’s been a while. I can see sunset leaking through the portal, far away.

Will yawns, and Phobos smiles. “It’s time for us to go.” I take Will’s hand, and take one last look at the oasis. Will gazes around, then looks to me. “I think I’m gonna like it here.” That makes me smile.

Phobos slinks back off to his cave, then looks back at us one last time.

“Heart of a dragon.”

We smile.

“Heart of a dragon.”

I turn to leave before it gets any harder.

At the portal, I glance backwards. The last thing I see is his smile. Then we’re gone.

It’s night now. Just streetlamps and muffled houselights behind curtains to illuminate the place.

I send Will off to bed. I’ll get some sleep eventually.

But first, I’m going for a walk in the dark.